sl_330ci

I remember what it was like before you were too good for me.
Before saying you looked beautiful meant absolutely nothing.
I remember us and the dog laying down smoking a little weed.
Before you lost sight of us and the word beauty meant more from some other mans lips.
I remember wanting us to take care of one another.
Before you hated me for finding out that you were the one betraying.

I remember you before California, and your new friends.
When your dream included me. 
When the site of me waiting for you at home actually made you smile.
Before I was angry... before we were pathetic.

And still Ill always remember the girl you used to be.
The one that told me she loved me,
And meant it more than anything.
Oh, how hard it is to remember it only as a memory.

And someday when we both get what we really deserve,
A love unjudged from a beautiful person that respects us.
Maybe these memories of you and me won't hurt as bad.
Maybe these memories we have will once again make us happy.

Until that day Ill try not to be pathetic,
But move on in hopes that I may find someone that will be there for me day and night.
I hope the same for you,
Though had you let me, I would have too.

Goodbye and best wishes.

Always,
~Nik.

so i was going to get deleted if i didnt write something... im drunk... so i wont say much... heres what ive learned...
1.People will lie to you...
2.Its hard to control yourself
3.You can have fun with old friends like it was yesterday
4.Marijuana is a lifestyle
5.I still love life

Hope youre all up to date with that...

Goodnight.
~nik

I dont know what to write.
Im tired. exhausted. but i cant sleep.
Try to write, but the lines keep changing.
i cant do anything. just let my eyes bleed some more and think. time has passed by so fast. I can still think all of my first thoughts. Memories float around me tagged to the wall on their hinges. Theres even more in me. How nice it would be to fall into one.
I try to create things to keep preoccupied... but she's still in everything. I play the same thing over and over on the guitar. The music replays; it kills me. The blistering of my fingers is the only thing that makes me feel better. So i rub them accross the strings harder.
i wish i had a bathtub so i could just drown in it for a little while. Nothing has felt right lately. Even if you dont tell me i know. Ive always known everything. Im sorry for making this hurt, for being a coward. And i wish i could just explode again like ive done so many times. But i dont want to risk losing it forever. so i torture myself a little more. capturing the words that would sooner roll off my tongue and pushing them back so they softly hit the corner of my eye and fall. Thinking sooner or later theyll stop. like they always have. there is both amazement and sadness. its to hard to weigh.

I have not updated in quite some time...
my word has been lost through life and hasn't had much time to be put down in writing.
So let me think... about what exactly it is that must be said.
For one, I am not in the mood to write, I'm just doing it because I should. The other night I could not sleep and began writing what I call my book. A book about whom knows what, but that can hopefully develop into something. Should it stay at nothing, it was still amusing while the time passed and I typed a portion of emotion into my keyboard.
San Antonio is a lonely place minus two exceptions right now.
David, I thank, for being a true friend at times when he knows I am rather friendless. He is indeed a true friend, that I hope to be able to share many more moments with throughout my life.
Krista is of course my love, and the true reason I am here. The other night was great, I wish we could do such things more often. The way you looked, the way you looked at me. Until I made a stupid comment that should have been kept inside regardless of my feelings. I know what I want though. I don't need to spend time thinking, just time reliving lost moments.
You see, I am simply depressed at the fact I have given up a past life that meant so much to me. David and Krista are the only things getting me through my own helplessness at the moment. My job remains it's title, my passion remains the gym, but life seems to be so simplified. I like simplicity, but I hate loss.
I've never felt that I had to be appreciated, and for once I am always asking for proof that I know I don't need to ask for. The loss I have endured is followed by something equally as great, if not superior. I have a hard time believing something to be that easy, but it is.
Backtracking... I went to a beautiful place, with the most beautiful girl, and it reminded me of how things were. Then I enjoyed meeting new people who took me in as their own friend, just as it would have been before, thanks to a friend. Perfect exists everywhere. In friends, and among lovers.
I know nothing is truly lost, just distant, and in essence I have only added to a beautiful life. Coexisting with beautiful people.
Thank you.
~nik

no quiero hablar en ingles por ahora.
no me importa si te escribo bien o no.
estoy aca... borracho... enlocalizado con los pelotudeses de la vida.
es que no es tan facil.
ta acostumbras de algo y despues te falla.
no puedo creer que ella me fallo, no me importa si ella no es perfecta.
la quiero.
pero tambien es facil creer que nadie puede estar tan fallado como el otro.
lo pienso... y me encuentro pensando en la unica cosa que realmente sepo.
que a mi me falla un poco.
lo siento... que a mi mejor amigo que encontre aca le hice dano.
se que el es un hombre de honor. y yo le falle porque un estupides de la mente.
es que yo nunca aprendi a peliar para algo que me importa antes del ano pasado.
deje que alguien me violo, y despues le mire con los mismos hojos.
y me mata pensar en eso cada dia que lo vivo de vuelta.
espero cada dia para una oportunidad para vengar me.
anque ahora no significa nada.
eso es porque ya no puedo dejar cosas tan facil.
Y ya se que no hace falta, y se que nadie piensa que esto significa nada.
pero la verdad es que a mi me importa.
e perdido muchas cosas buenas en mi vida por ser un idiota.
y esta ves no quiero que eso pasa de vuelta.
ella significa algo para mi ahora en esta parte de mi vida.
los chistes son chistes, pero si me pedis de verdad, te digo...
que ella me hace feliz.
y vale la penas peliar.

~nik

Time doesn't matter. Or at least that's when things are the best.
I'm sorry for what happened, but it seems as though it worked out well.
I have never felt closer to you.
And that time we spent together couldn't have been more perfect.
There is nothing better than sitting by the water and hearing it move while sharing it with someone amazing. In my opinion at least.
Thanks again.

I've been writing out of this journal a lot.
Traced back to the roots of pen and paper.
You can't re-think what you've written that way, it's just you.
There are no deletions, grammar is worthless, and the writing is at its absolute most poetic.

Regardless, I do enjoy writing in this and will continue.

~nik

So I've been in the state of nostalgia.
Writing songs... listening to songs... smoking.
My mood... nostalgic??? I'm not sure. Maybe it's denial.

Want to come over? Have a few beers? We'll call the girls... have a little get-together.
Take a trip to Galveston at 2 am? Maybe Austin? Sleep on the beach... or a cheap motel.

Light another cig. And remember.
Then look forward to tomorrow... bring back the love I have for those that went into hiding. That's probably my title in all actuality. Though I like to think I ran... for reasons that, at the time, made perfect sense.
Engagements I want to see come... and others I'm not sure about.

Talk to you about how we might turn out like our parents... just so I can tell you that would be fine... you'll be something amazing regardless. Then just sit and enjoy your company without having to say a thing... just think about what was, is, and will be. Who knows... I can't even attest to how it was, but I enjoyed it. I could use that feeling again right now... it would only take a moment to remember.

Maybe see you... the way I did before you broke what I thought I knew... I wonder how that would be... everything we had was just to show us what was really important to us... and it wasn't each other... which doesn't mean you don't cross my mind every once in a while.

See my old group... take a trip downtown... some football? dodge ball? drink? smoke? take a trip to White Hall? Who cares. Nothing feels better than understanding one another better than we can understand ourselves. Shoot the shit. Live a movie.

Of course I'll pay my respects to anyone that saved me from anything but a story... but I know we helped each other. We can leave the hit-men out of the picture this time. Though I guess they've been out of it for a while.

In a year another half of you will disappear... we will move on... and just like Hiroki found me... I'll find all of you again in one way or another. We can leave it to chance... until then just remember a story or two by the same hand.




I've kept my mind very active the past week. Journals and scraps of paper containing bits and pieces of my mind. All important to someone else with me on the side... or at least interesting if importance isn't the word. All that's missing is the beach... I suppose a few extra things wouldn't hurt. But there is no need to get into that.

In short... Houston please have a few trips waiting for me, because I could use an escape.

One love,
~nik

p.s. I dont even know what exanimate means... and i don't care to look it up.

i eat because i have to... not because i always want to.
i laugh because they say it makes me live longer.
i enjoy things thanks to old people.
i listen to music to pick my mood.
i dream so that i have something to one day look forward to.
i believe in things to hope one day i can find them.
i smoke because i look cool doing it.
i observe to do all the above stated.

What do books have that i can't learn through life?
what's in a movie that i havn't already felt... love aside.
im going out.
and i am going to enjoy every fucking second of it.

~nik

Currently I am tired. Not because I need to sleep. It's more of the tired you feel simply because of the lack of interest you have in the current subject you continually think about. Do you understand? It's a state of mind. I need something to do.
I have spent the past few days on the beach, enjoying my own stupidity. Something I can always soak into without regret. Which I consider a gift; for many people love feeling regret. I can't really say I enjoyed the beach more than stupidity this time. It was grand. Cold at times... but none the less quite brilliant.
School will begin yet again, and I will continue to do my absolute least to earn the grades I do not deserve. Regardless to whatever virtue that destroys I will still stand against it. Sigh. I will continue to go to the gym, continue eating, continue sleeping.
Anything other than the above stated is usually a bonus gift from life. Keep them coming buddy.
She surprised me last night, made me feel like a million bucks. I love surprises. I adore her. What we are to each other right now is a mystery, but I have always enjoyed that sort of thing. And I do like the way you're (I did it on purpose) hair looks no matter how much I "love" brunettes.
Ha.
My throat has been hurting, and the cigarettes only add to the pain. I numb that feeling with equate and I smoke again. I think I'll be learning some sort of lesson for doing this. And even though I know this, I will probably keep on going.
It was nice spending time with my old group again. I miss the bonds I used to share with them on a daily basis. But what they say is true. You generally pick up where you left off.
For now this is all I have to offer.
A sore throat, a few stories, and life. I don't mind that at all.

~nik

I don't know what to say when I see a trace of you.
I don't know how to feel, and I don't know what to feel.
I don't know if I want to feel.
The truth is I did trust you for that one day.
After the talk.
I know it's not much, but it shows I could have.
I felt like it was all going to be fine for as long as we wanted that night.
But then you called upset, over something that shouldn't have made you upset if you were over it.
How am I supposed to react when people tell me otherwise?
Why weren't your arms wanting to wrap around me rather than someone else?
Why did you want to spend time with someone else?
How could you go on feeling no guilt if you knew you were doing something that would upset me?
You told me yourself you wouldn't want me to see you there.
When I heard these things all I could picture was your smile directed to someone else.
You holding someone else.
Regardless of the context, it was happening.
How am I supposed to be up there if you already have so many guys to treat you so well.
That make you smile and enjoy the same way I do.
You attempt to put it all on me, but the truth is there is nothing I can do.
It's not up to me.
How can you question my trust right now, of course it should be skewed.
I said heartless because if it was true then it was just that, cold.
I don't know what is true.
If the role was reversed I think you would understand that it's impossible to know how to feel.
I am confused.
I think about you still, but I try not to.
I pretend I'm fine with it, but it's not the greatest feeling.
I don't know, and I know I can't figure this out alone.
Such is life.

"I miss you"
"You have nothing to worry about"
"I'm over him"
"I'm all yours"
"You make me happy"
"You're over-reacting"
The way you smiled at me.
You were smooth.
Heartless, but smooth.
I don't really know why or if I deserved it, but none the less good job.
And even though I would love to talk shit, it wouldn't be right.
Ill be the first to admit it was fun while it lasted.
And had I not talked to Jeff, for whatever reason I did, I might still be in the same position.
He's an honorable guy.
Pretty cold, you could have just made it easier by letting me know.
Regardless, spring break will be more fun, and the relationship was destined to fail.
I just wish it wouldn't have ended with me losing you in every aspect of the sense.
You can continue chasing stars.
Three in a row.
One more heartless than the other.
And there will be plenty more.

Regardless it's 6 am and I haven't slept.
Thanks to everyone in San Antone and Austin for the good time.
~nik

I think too much.
This has always been the case, but it has changed throughout the years, and through the events they held.
I wonder about things I shouldn't wonder about sometimes.
Make myself alarmed when I don't have the slightest inclination to do so.
And so, I dismiss it. Thinking I could be right, knowing just as well that I am wrong.
I dream.
I imagine.
I think.
And then I choose to dismiss it, or it blows over only to be thought up again within the hour, day, or week.
Not that this is a bad thing. It isn't. Thoughts can be glorious.
But they can at times make you confused.
Even now, though this bullshit for a journal is what I am trying to think about, other thoughts plague my brain.
I write what I thought, it disappears, and I'm day dreaming something brilliant, or something less enjoyable. having to re-read what I wrote to get back on track with something that I don't need to say.
As of now my mind is blank. Probably due to a hangover from last nights jack.
At least that's how I want it to be.
I am emotionless. Not knowing what's more real. My thoughts, or why I'm having these thoughts.
Nothing ever reaches closure in my mind.
Just a bunch of open ends and new beginnings. Almost making me oblivious to whatever it is I really wish to feel.


On another note.
Life is peaceful right now.
I don't really stress. I just live.
It's not that I don't care about anything, because everything is taken care of.
Where am I in life at this point? I don't know. And for the first time since adolescence I do not care.
That is the peace I've found.
In Houston I had a wonderful time with my family, just enjoying.
I had nothing to explain to my father, just things to talk about.
My sister has grown in every aspect. My mother is still a wonderful woman.
My old friends were still there to greet me as if everything was still normal.
And I dismissed the people I was holding back on for so long. I think they understand I couldn't give a shit about them.
Here in my new home things are nice.
I enjoy life.
Enjoy the sun, sitting, chatting, music.
School isn't a job. Because if you go to learn without worrying about the future it's simple.
My friends here are people I can enjoy life with.
I enjoy my time with Krista, she makes me peaceful.
Which is why I think about her so much.
Though it's hard for me to just let things be. I am cautious to just trust though I want to believe that I can.
I wish I could know what she was thinking.
I was always good at understanding people. Now that understanding is skewed.
So I am hesitant to believe that everything is okay when I ask what is wrong.
This floods my mind with a thousand things.
Regardless, I am happy. With everything.
That's all for now.
Take care.

its been a good month.
Thanks

At times like this I like to dream.
I want to drive with my windows down and smell the ocean.
I want Sweet Home Alabama to be the only thing they play because the skies are so blue.
I want to go where the steroids flow like water, and Arnold is not only my hero but my governor as well.
I want to know that the guy in the hot pants roller-blading by Venice isn't odd, but my neighbor Jim.
Where everyday might be the same, and that's okay.
Where I work at a pizza shop and walk in with a smile and say "Ah-hey a Louigiiiii!"
Where all I serve are women in tank tops and short shorts fresh off the beach.
I want to weigh 200lbs and have that be common.
I want to be content in my own selfishness, like the woman in the mink coat strolling in her Bentley by Ocean County in the dead of summer.
I want the local Wal-Mart to have an exotic name and be way overpriced.


I think I've reached Nirvana thinking about a life that I don't have.
But talked to mom and dad about it... so it's not out of reach.
No, I'm not leaving now... I love all of you.
Just one day...
And for those of you that would miss me... come with me.

I like the way you say nothing when I ask you what.
It only adds to the mystery of everything that we are right now.
It's nice how simplistic things are when you just let life take them.
It's nice just laying down and not saying anything important, but understanding that what we're saying to each other is something new.
I don't know in the least what it is that made any of this even start, and I could really care less as of now.
We met on the facebook.
Smile.
goodnight. sweet dreams.
~nik

Oddly enough, I entered anthropology class, and began examining the specimens taking the course. I immediately noticed a familiar face, who was soon joined by another. A boy, or dare I say man (though it seems inappropriate for whatever reason), sat by her. He placed a journal in front of him, elaborately decorated with whatever seemed pretentious enough to place on it. Which I suppose was intended to show the type of person he was.
He immediately opened it and began thumbing through it. I could tell he didn't care to read or write anything in it, but rather wanted the girl to question what he had there. He didn't look at a single page really, just sat there going page by page. back and forth looking at her, hoping she would notice.
Lines of words were scribbled in it. The sloppy handwriting only further made me understand his passion for his own words. Each word carved in, barely readable for fear that he might lose his thought while in the process of writing whatever it was. Or perhaps because his writing was simply that. Illegible.
Regardless, the girl asked nothing about the journal, and it was soon shut and tucked away. This boy's passion kept to himself for another day.
I realized how often I do the same, but on different levels. My fascination with all things pretentious have only made me further understand that we all have an extremity of it within us.
I didn't analyze in order to criticize him, but saw myself within him.
Lately I've began to think about the idea that we can all see bits of ourselves within others. It makes sense to me. The more I look at others, the more I analyze, the more I realize how alike we are.
And then it goes to shit when some asshole does something completely stupid.
Regardless, at the same time allowing to better learn ones self.

bueno,
entonces aqui estoy.
pasando un dia al otro, todavia sin ningun idea de nada.
vivo, y lo paso bien.
me encanta pensar en cuanto te extrano, pero no hace falta en el fin.
realmente nunca ay que extranar. estamos bajo del mismo cielo.
en donde nos encontraremos de vuelta es un mysterio.
pero te amo.
te amo aca. te amo en la tierra. te amo en el cielo.
porque la vida te hace extranar?
si siempre estamos juntos en la mente, para que necesitamos estar juntos de mano?
una memoria te puede tranquilizar.
y despues te duele.
en el fin, todavia extrano tocarte. abrazarte. y amarte.
y te sigo amando, y extranando.



I'm starting over again, and the month that has gone by has only reminded me of more memories that I don't want to let go of. I have a feeling of completeness, but at the same time that brilliant little feeling of uneasy ness is around me at all times. The month made me long for more ideal situations, but I feel as though my mentality isn't right for the situation I'm about to enter. I am ready to complete something, but am being brought down at a constant rate.

I have found lately that I see myself as being pretentious. Is it because I believe in what it is I'm doing, or simply because I want to have the thought that I do there. Do I write because I enjoy it? Or is it because it seems productive? Does what Kant has to say actually make my life change in the slightest movement. Am I propelling forward at all, or only keeping myself at bay by looking into things that I feel unsure about? Am I creating because I love it, or because I want to feel as though I can complete something? Or perhaps it's purpose is to show someone else I can complete something. I am not sure where I want to be.
But most importantly, I don't know who I am.
In the course of holding false identities that meant nothing I've lost touch with anything that actually brings true meaning to a beautiful life.
I retract that statement.
Rephrased: I feel as though I could have been more productive with my identity. Everything means something.
I am happy.
But I am maturing as always. And though I know I don't need to be complete now, I still love the idea of believing in completing more than necessary.
And so I'll go on loving life.
Which leaves me questioning.
Is it better to love and let it be? Or to love and ask on what the love means?

I think it's the little amounts of time that we spend together that make it just that much more interesting. Even though, it would be nice to try for some more.

You really are in your own category... I'm not exactly sure of what the title of it is... but you have one. It's a good thing; but you already know that.

I like the way you smell. Did I tell you that? You probably already know. You know exactly how to carry yourself.

I wonder... if we did live close together... would the player thing still be in play?
You make me wonder a lot. But I prefer to wonder sometimes.

Youre the type of person that never leaves someone's mind. Someone that others can't help but think about if they get to know you even for a while. It's not meant to sound lovey dovey, but sincere. Seriously. I do think about you.

I hope whatever it is you want to come true happens, but don't ever change a single thing about yourself. I like you the way you are. Just call once in a while if it's not too much to ask, you don't even have to talk. Just let me know you're around.

I like it when we speak silence. It's easier for me to understand you.

I doubt you'll read this, it's just something I felt like writing.
I like you. But it's not in the way everyone else thinks... I think your the only one that could understand what I mean by that.

We've got nice past kid, and I hope we can carry on.
Regardless,
Thanks,
I had fun tonight.
Gnight.
~nik

The oddity of being at opposite ends at all times while in thought of the subject at all. The subject I speak of, is none other, than that of the one that makes me hurt, wonder, and yet always enjoy. A rose to her work simply to see her blush, a teddy bear with a cloth heart that says more than it is, and the smooth tone of voice kept at all times whilst in conversation. Only a few of the things that make life at this time more enjoyable. It's too hard to understand it differently now, but at the same time you'll always want the idea to be there. These are not simply games; they all carry their own meaning. Every smile carries the perseverance to accompany a thousand messages in two directions. Always discreet, but ever so lasting.
I think I have met my match. Someone who can show me that everything has meaning, but lives the multiple lives I tried so hard to keep unique. And though it's strange to admit, I think she's beat me.
Making it all seem like it's everything. Yet leaving me to wonder how much of nothing is in it. A cool balance that keeps me checking into her life every time she's near. She gives me a taste and then takes it, but not in a way that it hurts. In a way that makes mystery her appeal.
And so I sit here pensive, wondering what each of us is doing under tonight's sky. Interested in weather she wonders the same.

I watched CNN on the tsunami last night until 5am. It puts me in a very pensive state to see the places i regarded as my favorite on earth, wreak of death and sadness. The beaches shown on the TV are not the ones i once vacationed on as a child. I think this may have pushed me into the mood to speak about my life with my father. You look at what happens, and you think about how meaningless what your doing at this very moment is. I don't like being in this state, but it will be okay in time.